Don’t be ungrateful for who you are because you want to be somebody else who is somewhere else.  Fearing an inward look, you look outward in this damaging fantasy.  Until you begin to accept who you are and where you are in your journey, then you have erected a barricade to progress.  Give yourself and present place to the Lord, as is.  Growth will follow.  You, as your are, have an appointment to walk with God where you are.

“For I am the least of the apostles, and not fit to be called an apostle, because I persecuted the church of God. But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me did not prove vain” 1 Corinthians 15:9-10a (NASB)